Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

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Postby Black Sword » Mon Dec 20, 2010 12:13 am

There aren't many things that can drive all scholarly thought out of Princess Kara's head. A pair of eyes that reflect a nightscape of indigo does so quite handily.

Another new fic today, though this should be the last one to star Princess Kara. For now, at least.

Her Prince
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Postby Black Sword » Mon Dec 27, 2010 12:55 am

The universe is a great pattern, woven of many threads. Even the smallest sidestep may allow one to sidestep a dark weaving of nightmare.


On schedule, I deliver another new fic! This time, I wanted to address why Adan succeeded in his quest and Aron failed. This fic is Gwyn POV, so I get to have some fun exploring her, much like I did Princess Kara.

Sidestep

As always, feedback appreciated.
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Postby augmentedfourth » Mon Dec 27, 2010 7:43 pm

C&P'ed from that other place:

Hmm, very interesting having some of the Layan clan be Espers.

I like how Gwyn isn't quite sure about how she feels about Kara being romantically interested in her brother. If I'm remembering correctly, in your last story, Gwyn was more encouraging, but going back and forth seems normal, as it's hard to picture your sibling in that way.

The beginning of the story was very well-written - I had forgotten the summary by the time I started reading it, and I wasn't quite sure where you were going, but I definitely wanted to find out.
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Postby Black Sword » Mon Dec 27, 2010 7:55 pm

augmentedfourth wrote:C&P'ed from that other place:

Hmm, very interesting having some of the Layan clan be Espers.

I like how Gwyn isn't quite sure about how she feels about Kara being romantically interested in her brother. If I'm remembering correctly, in your last story, Gwyn was more encouraging, but going back and forth seems normal, as it's hard to picture your sibling in that way.

The beginning of the story was very well-written - I had forgotten the summary by the time I started reading it, and I wasn't quite sure where you were going, but I definitely wanted to find out.


I didn't think Gwyn was particularly encouraging in the previous story! Not that I know what anyone thinks of the previous story...
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Postby augmentedfourth » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:17 am

Maybe more like "sending mixed signals" rather than encouraging.

(And I did read your last story, but it came up just as I got out of the hospital, and stringing together coherent sentences wasn't really going so well as I was getting used to typing again. :wink: )
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Postby Black Sword » Tue Dec 28, 2010 5:01 pm

augmentedfourth wrote:Maybe more like "sending mixed signals" rather than encouraging.

(And I did read your last story, but it came up just as I got out of the hospital, and stringing together coherent sentences wasn't really going so well as I was getting used to typing again. :wink: )


Since when do you string together coherent sentences? =P I kid.

*grumbles that it'd be nice if our fellow forumers gave us feedback on our fanfics*
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Postby carlsojos » Tue Dec 28, 2010 9:39 pm

Black Sword wrote:*grumbles that it'd be nice if our fellow forumers gave us feedback on our fanfics*


Careful what you wish for. I've never touched PS III, but I won't ignore a call for my thoughts.

I just read Sidestep, and while I'm clearly not briefed on the context, I managed to make sense of the story. I didn't brew anything to be unhappy about, apart from "indefinable," but I checked the dictionary and found that I was wrong for assuming it was incorrect, so I state on the record that I found nothing wrong. On the positive, you made excellent use of stream of consciousness, even including the interference that occurs during illogical thought. I prefer longer novels due to my abnormal reading speed (50-150 pages/day), but this one is about right for a simple lunch. I decide to apply my seal of approval to the story.Image
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Postby Wing-0 » Tue Dec 28, 2010 10:44 pm

Black Sword wrote:
augmentedfourth wrote:Maybe more like "sending mixed signals" rather than encouraging.

(And I did read your last story, but it came up just as I got out of the hospital, and stringing together coherent sentences wasn't really going so well as I was getting used to typing again. :wink: )


Since when do you string together coherent sentences? =P I kid.

*grumbles that it'd be nice if our fellow forumers gave us feedback on our fanfics*


I second the motion of being careful with what you wish for... That said, if you'd like my small input, I can. Just give me a list of what in particular. I have a bad memory for names, so links could be useful.
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Postby Black Sword » Thu Dec 30, 2010 6:45 am

@ojos - Thank you! Don't worry, I suspect by the time I'm done with all the shorts in PSIII, I'll have something novel length

@0 - The stuff with my name on it in our fan fiction area? To make it easier, here they are on my FF.net profile.

Maybe I should set them on LJ too?
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Postby Black Sword » Sun Jan 02, 2011 5:55 pm

Snow, more, and even more snow. Trudging through the drifts, an interesting encounter in the cold weather livens things up.

This was going to be one story, but I ended up having to split it into two. Second time this has happened during this arc, too.

Anyway, I rather like the title of this, and most of you should be able to grasp why fairly quickly. Feedback always appreciated!

Cool Encounter
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Postby carlsojos » Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:05 pm

Just finished Cool encounter. I enjoyed the story, and noted how you maintained plausible cold weather procedures from Wren and Mieu. I enjoyed the little scuffle, and I'm curious how it'll go over with the shousa person.

I did notice 2 minor errors in the grammer, as follows:
"driving out ever scrap...." ever should be every.
"chivying them into wearing ever partical of clothing...." ever should be every. Particle is a grey area, in that it does process correctly, but I think that "article" would be a more likely choice for the circumstances.

I'm looking forward to the next part.
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Postby augmentedfourth » Mon Jan 03, 2011 6:43 pm

Who knew Frigidia was going to be so...frigid? :lol:

Obviously, you've been hinting at a Kara/Adan pairing throughout the story arc and I like that and find it completely believable (and I can't wait to see the resolution!). That said, I just found it to be a little forced in this particular story. I did like how they all sleep together for warmth, as that seems plausible, but the whole bit with Mieu stripping them down in front of each other seemed a little heavy-handed.

It's been ages since I played the game, but I'm guessing/assuming that the women at the end were the women of Mystoke. I enjoyed the explanation for a female-only town/castle and liked the dominance play with Gwyn. I think you describe fights/battle scenes really well and I was just a little disappointed that Kara wasn't in on the action this time. :wink:
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Postby Black Sword » Mon Jan 03, 2011 7:20 pm

Well, technically speaking, it's not "in front of," as they're all turning their backs on the person being inspected. I think of Mieu as being a very diligent mother hen by this point, having raised two generations of heroes. Frostbite, on her watch? Not a chance, a little bit of her charges' personal dignity be damned. I don't see Wren building a two-room igloo just for their modesty, either, but that's out of practicality.

Please explain how it seemed heavy-handed/forced?

And yes, it's our lovely katana-wielding female enemies out in force!
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Postby augmentedfourth » Mon Jan 03, 2011 8:41 pm

Oh, I believe that Mieu's watching out for them and is taking care to protect them from the elements. It just seemed that the whole 'checking for frostbite' created an overly awkward situation that seemed to beat the "they like each other and are attracted to each other but don't know what to do about it yet!" idea into the brains of the reader, where in the past stories, it was more subtle. (For example, in "Sidestep", when Kara follows Gwyn to Adan's room in the middle of the night and happens to see him shirtless, it seemed a lot more natural than having a third party make them undress in the presence of each other.) Like I said earlier, I did like them sleeping together for warmth at night - that part just seemed more believable and flowed better. I'm assuming that the end goal is to have Kara and Adan together and I do like reading about the journey to get there.

I guess the female enemies in Frigidia aren't bothered by the cold. Or maybe their pants are just at the cleaners. :P
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Postby Black Sword » Mon Jan 03, 2011 9:00 pm

Alas, I missed my target! Adan hasn't realized that he likes Kara yet. As Gwyn has repeatedly complained, he's oblivious when it comes to women throwing him hints --including some hints that are broad enough to sink a battleship!

That was what I was actually aiming for: even in such an awkward situation, he's still unaware that Kara likes him, he hasn't realized that he's not closing his eyes every night because he actually does want to peek, his embarrassment waking up to her isn't because she's cuddling him, and so on.

Those gals are tougher than I am. I love the cold and snow, but I'm still out there with my pants on!
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