Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics!

Postby Black Sword » Mon Feb 14, 2011 8:53 pm

@carlos I defer to your greater knowledge, and will refrain my inner Catholic from calling for stakes and tinder. =p

@a4th Your inner romantic is showing! =p I'm glad you think I created a suitable hellhole for Terminus!

RE: battle
I admit the fight ended a bit abruptly, but it honestly didn't make sense for the group to risk life and limb fighting when Adan and Gwyn could Legeon the Punishers into submission. The more I thought about it, the worse a full-blown brawl became in my mind, as the potential for hostage taking, innocents dying, etc, just increased exponentially to the point where fighting "fair" just wasn't fair to them. Rule of Practical overruling Rule of Cool, I guess.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Thu Feb 17, 2011 5:41 am

Adding some sprites I finished up and am quite happy with.

Image

So, from the top, going left to right
Orakio, Laya the Elder
Maia (Layan dress), Rhys, Lena, Maia (Orakian dress), Lena (Orakian dress)
Nial, Laya the Younger, Laya the Younger (Orakian dress), Laya the Younger (cloaked and hidden), Thea, Thea (Layan dress)
Adan, Gwyn, Gwyn (Orakian dress)

The Rhys, Lena, and Thea aren't mine, but HTD's. Everything else is all me.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Tanith » Sat Feb 19, 2011 1:22 am

Cute sprites are cute! <3 Though, I think Toyo Ozaki's Orakio had green hair...
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Sun Feb 20, 2011 10:48 pm

Run away, little girl, run away, you can't keep the monster at bay. The monster lives in your dreams and no one can hear your screams. Run away, little girl, run away, you won't survive if you stay.

Hunted by Nightmare

Sometimes a figure of dreams is found in the real world. Sometimes, it truly is no more than the image of a ghost.

Image of a Ghost

Two stories for the price of one, folks. A little background: "Image of a Ghost" was actually the second story I started to write, but I realized that without an appropriate history, it wouldn't have any meaning. From there, I was launched into the Royal Twins arc. Well, dragged kicking and screaming, at least. However, I sort of forgot to write "Hunted by Nightmare," since Princess Kara kept popping into my writing with this sad little puppy dog look that convinced me to write her stories. This week, while I was engrossed in finally finishing Image, I belatedly realized that I had neglected to write Hunted. As I would like to finish the Royal Twins arc sometime before summer (eyes his characters) I resolved to write them both, especially since Image was almost finished anyway.

@Tanith True, but this Orakio is the one that matches his other official art, so I went with dark blue hair.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby carlsojos » Mon Feb 21, 2011 1:00 am

2 stories result in 2 reviews from this maniac. To start off, I first read "Hunted by Nightmare". 0 errors, roughly 1 minor argument to make.
"The monster was going to crash...", "is" would fit better- the narrator's fear is forcing her to think in real-time at this point, making a reflective approach less effective. Due to the fact you're outputting from the narrator's mind, I would set most of the verbs in the same paragraph to present tense forms to reflect this. I would try to scan through once more to test for similar tense issues, but my mind is fogged by caffeine withdrawals at the moment.

I like the stream of consciousness- it provides a pretty direct connection into the narrator's thoughts- it's my favorite technique to use because of this. Overall, the text feels like it could've been written in a more eloquent fashion, however, the style matches a younger mind quite well- I'd mark this story as a proof that a story doesn't have to use 30-syllable words when it can. Another good work.


Now, I'm kinda glad I read Image Of a Ghost second instead of first, as the imagery you used in the beginning is still haunting me- it's about as scary as the stuff that hits my head when I'm at full psychotic-angry. I think I'm going to have a nightmare tonight.... 1 error, 0 minor arguments to mention.
"...throne and the one who sat it." Missing a preposition; "in" is the closest match.

I notice this dream man is the detail you said you forgot about, eh? Interesting concept, I wonder who he is? I get the feeling you're either going to silently tweak the previous stories to write him back in, or draw him into prominence in a future story to justify not running with his deletion.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Mon Feb 21, 2011 5:54 am

Unfortunately, I belong to the school of writer that has little use for present tense writing, as I find it awkward and unpleasant. Not only that, suddenly altering tense like that is very uncomfortable and jarring for the reader, which is never a good thing. And I'm glad you caught the simplistic was indeed a way to express the young age of the story's protagonist!

Uh oh. Apologies for giving you a nightmare! And in that case, the preposition isn't necessary. And I won't speak of my future plans, but there won't be any silent tweaks, promise!
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby augmentedfourth » Mon Feb 21, 2011 3:46 pm

Hunted by Nightmare - Hmm. Something felt a little off here, though I can't put my finger on why. You've done such an awesome job with descriptions of places before, but it felt a little rushed here.

Image of a Ghost - Now this was a great story! It's easy to forget that while the 3rd generation hero will be a descendant of Orakio, he has to be related to Rulakir as well, and you did a great job of pointing out the mixed feelings that could come from this. The descriptions of Lashute were so vivid and real here, and Gwyn's reactions were well-done.


A few minor errors I caught while reading (which I've never done before in one of your stories, good for you!):

"Forced to face that reality, she had determinedly kept the chits check..." - shouldn't it be "chits in check"?

"The dream man was a man who had everyone he had ever loved." - I think you need a "lost" in here, otherwise the meaning sort of changes. :wink:
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Mon Feb 21, 2011 6:00 pm

Hunted - Descriptions of places from the POV of young adults, yes. Dreams, not so much. Writing should match the maturity of the protagonist. 5 dollar words are good, but don't fit the vocab of the protagonist. To compare, Sidestep was a dream of terror, but so far as descriptions went, there was nothing to describe beyond a void..and the end of the world. This one also took place somewhere empty, but the emotions weren't as terrified due to the age of the protagonist and...nah, can't give spoilers for future stories.

Image - I am relieved at the positive reception to this story, you have no idea. *tweak, tweak* Now all that's left is to pass the true trial of spellcheck fire. *eyes Benoit*
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Sun Feb 27, 2011 6:50 am

For a thousand years, Orakio's black sword has been beneath the sea of Landen. What secret holds it to the deep?

I Hold Dark Force

New fic! As they say in the military, sh*t just got real.

For the record, Wren POV is an odd-fitting set of clothes. Expectations and this tale were both very strange to write. Probably why I'll be sticking to MIEU OS androids whenever possible.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby carlsojos » Sun Feb 27, 2011 4:09 pm

Anyway, just read "I Hold Dark Force". No errors, no real arguments. ...Okay, Wren's analysis on Rulakir's immortality, I kinda chewed on. Cryogenic storage won't cause a significant electromagnetic disturbance, beyond the electrical interference caused by the machinery controlling the cooling apparatus- which would simply appear as a large electronic device, rendering a scan for such as useless. The chemical traces, however, would be undeniable- especially immediately after leaving storage, so good point on that. That would easily confuse Wren's mind since he doesn't understand immortality.

Anyway, liked the story, and the POV you used was particularly compatible with how I think, so extra cookies from me.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Sun Feb 27, 2011 7:51 pm

Actually, I don't think we don't have enough empirical data to debate the long-term impact of cryonics on the human body. Doing my research, I came across this (http://www.sram.org/0301/electromagnetic-fields.html) that would suggest there would be a noticeable impact on us fleshy mortals beyond the chemical, but my specialty is killing things, not keeping them alive, so I am open to correction!
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby carlsojos » Sun Feb 27, 2011 8:54 pm

That article reports on the effects of electrical fields interacting with biological tissues, but cryonics primarily work by retarding the metabolism as much as possible without causing damage to the target. Most electrical activity involved in the human body is in the nervous system, and any disruptions that aren't powerful enough to manifest in more visible ways such as muscle spasms would be unlikely to be detectable by any type of sensors without direct physical contact with the previously stored subject, so Wren would probably only have visual/auditory analysis and a chemical sniffer to determine whether Rulakir utilized cryonics to maintain immortality.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby augmentedfourth » Mon Feb 28, 2011 1:04 am

As always, your descriptions of places are great. I liked finally seeing something from Wren's point of view (even if it wasn't your favorite) and the reference to the previous generations was nice. I don't know if it counts as a cliffhanger if we, the readers, already know what's going to happen, but I still enjoyed the ending.

And for the record, we say "shit's gettin' real!" all the damn time in this house. :wink:
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Mon Feb 28, 2011 3:00 am

@carlos Don't you have work to do? I kid, I kid.

Seriously, though, I don't think it's possible to put someone in suspended animation without also having an impact on a person's electromagnetic field. You're meddling with life at its fundamental level to freeze them in a moment in time. I seriously don't think it's possible to do that without also impacting the nerves. WING-0? Where are you? We need a science ref!

@a4th That's actually a really good question. I guess it varies with the reader. I followed rule one of writing: assume your reader knows nothing. I just wish I had a guinea pig to test if I succeeded there. *shrug*

@all Was Gwyn being mean to Kara in this story? Tanith thinks so, but I thought it was playful. On you depends whether or not Tanith gets her head dunked in a vat of Dr. Pepper!
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby carlsojos » Mon Feb 28, 2011 3:50 am

Black Sword wrote:Seriously, though, I don't think it's possible to put someone in suspended animation without also having an impact on a person's electromagnetic field.


I'm not saying the electrical change can't occur, just that in order for it to be detectable from a distance greater than direct physical contact, the side-effects of the errant charge would result in much more visible symptoms, possibly resembling either partial to complete paralysis, dementia, and/or seizures (depending on the nature of the change and amount of localization), if it's detectable under any circumstances. We're talking in the range of nanoamps to microamps (you can feel a 1-5 milliamp zap depending on the type of charge, roughly 20-60 milliamps can potentially kill, and for comparison, a tungsten-filiment incandescent lightbulb pulls 250-600 mA, depending on the exact wattage), if I'm correct. I may be wrong.

Yes, I'm working on that assignment, I'm actually just short of full-throttle panic right now (That story's funny as hell, though). I just got fed a steak, though, so I'm relatively placid at the moment. Until I wake up tomorrow and realize how badly I procrastinate, anyway.
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