Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby augmentedfourth » Tue Mar 15, 2011 4:32 pm

Yes.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Tue Mar 15, 2011 4:55 pm

Oh dear. You're doomed. Not immediately, but you will be in the future.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Sun Mar 20, 2011 9:20 pm

Freeing Orakio's sword from its watery prison has liberated a long forgotten evil. Worse, it has had unforeseen consequences on the House of Sa Riik.

Entwined Vigil

Back into the Royal Twins Arc I go! This one should be a three parter. It's Tanith's fault I ended up writing this one, but that's what happens when writers gossip. Feedback, as always, is appreciated!
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby carlsojos » Mon Mar 21, 2011 12:43 am

Just read Entwined Vigil. Didn't spot any errors. This is one of the biggest "Oh crap!" moments yet in this arc, and you definitely did your best to make the characters unhappy. As it stands, you've made another high-octane cliffhanger, so I'm now waiting for the next part.... (yeah, it's that good.)
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Sun Mar 27, 2011 11:09 pm

Second chapter of Entwined Vigil is now up. New POV!

Entwined Vigil

Before anyone accuses me of sexism, and for those who missed the subtlety (including our POV character) I would like to note that in my native tongue, when we say our <> it typically means "your <> and my <>." As always, feedback appreciated, welcomed, begged for, etc.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby augmentedfourth » Mon Mar 28, 2011 6:24 pm

I didn't see any sexist things to get all riled up about. *shrug*

My one issue is that the word "coeval" seems to appear an awful lot, especially in the first half. It's kind of a distinctive word to begin with and to see it pop up so much was a little jarring.

Though this clearly didn't take place in the actual game, I'm really liking this part of the storyline. I continue to enjoy your characterization of Lena (especially I never really found her to be an interesting or sympathetic character) and her interactions with Kara were well done. I'm still not sure how I feel about some of Mieu's remarks, but I realize that you were continuing to make the distinction between how she treats Rhys (and the members of his generation) and the children that she helped raise.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Mon Mar 28, 2011 7:26 pm

Living and working by NYC makes me a bit leery. Psycho-feminists, don't ya know.

Absolutely right on the coeval comment. I didn't even realize it until you pointed it out and I searched for it. My utter and complete bad. I'll go disembowel myself with a thesaurus now to expiate my shame.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Mon Apr 04, 2011 4:13 am

Third chapter of Entwined Vigil is now up.

Entwined Vigil

I'm fairly sure we can guess who is who, but let me know if it's not clear. A certain impish character messed with the program, so it managed to stretch into a four-parter against my will and original intent. *grumbles* Darn characters. Still and all, this next one should be easy enough to resolve. I hope.

Feedback greatly appreciated!
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby carlsojos » Wed Apr 06, 2011 1:39 pm

I found the emphasis of one sentence a touch goofy, but beyond that quite an interesting foray into the darkness. Good story overall, seemed to pull the job nicely.

Do I lose points for not recognizing that character at the end?
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Wed Apr 06, 2011 4:54 pm

Eh, I'll make an exception for you, since you haven't played Phantasy Star III, though you should have been able to figure it out. Which sentence do you mean?
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Tue Apr 12, 2011 2:52 am

Last chapter of Entwined Vigil is now up.

Entwined Vigil

Woo hoo! Though things will likely go back downhill from here. Feedback greatly appreciated, obviously. Also... *kicks carlos* Oy, which sentence in 3?
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Mon Apr 18, 2011 12:49 am

A broken android. Insanity and grief. A black sword in the desert of Aridia.

A Doll Sleeps

And it's all downhill from here! Feedback always appreciated, of course!
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Dr_Odin » Mon Apr 18, 2011 8:10 pm

The Historian's Magic it is :) Great fanfic! I told you before that PS IV is my favorite and I would claim PS III as my least favorite (note how least favorite doesn't mean dislike). It was a long time ago since I played it.

What you did elegantly was to create the setting at the opening paragraphs. Very nice. Got me engaged instantly and made me capture visually how and what was layed out. In general, I admired two main things out of the fiction:
- The way you told the backstory/history. Very nice!
- The comparison between war and love. Or the connections between them. FOr me, that was what I experienced the entire scenario. How does the art of war play upon yourself in relation to the art of love...

He was very direct and rather brutal with his kiss proposal :D

Love it Black Sword! I will read more of your work, keep writing...
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby augmentedfourth » Thu Apr 21, 2011 2:23 am

Better late than never!

C&P from that other site:
Ooh, I liked this one. The "not-quite lie" was nicely done, and I felt equally bad for Mieu and Miun. I especially liked the part where Mieu considers deleting the memory from her "mind" in order to make her own life easier, but keeps the thoughts of Miun there out of respect. I've always found Miun's story to be one of the more tragic ones in the series, despite it's subtlety, and I think you did a good job portraying it.

Additional thoughts:
"Filthy red hair darker than her own barely stirred as centuries of dirt and neglect resisted that ever-present wind. The woman whose wail filled the desert had a mane of long red hair that Mieu knew was darker than her own."

The description of her hair seems a little redundant to me, especially in these back-to-back sentences.
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Re: Phantasy Star III fanfics! (and sometimes sprites)

Postby Black Sword » Mon Apr 25, 2011 5:07 am

For over a thousand years, the purpose of the android general Siren has been to hunt the followers of Laya. An existence based on a lie.

The Tormented Doll

New fic! Reviews greatly appreciated, of course.
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