by carlsojos » Sun Aug 07, 2011 5:13 pm
Double posting just because I can....
Notes I took while reading in regards to tweaks:
"You made me do that." I'm not sure, but I think that "that" should be "it".
"...poking the soil...." This is optional, but I'd replace "poking" with "piercing", just to tweak the feel.
"...we should have got rid of the infection...." "got" -> "gotten"
"...at its very first beginning." "...at the very beginning."
"...looking for who-knows-what." This sentence is well played.
"...so we should not worry about." Omit "about", or change to "about it.".
"the friendly attitude towards us was clearly apparent." Huh? "apparent" seems to be a wrong word. I suggest "guise", "ruse", "posturing", or similar.
"...the position you had put me on." "on" -> "in"
"I wanted her; I needed her, like I've wanted no one else before." This whole paragraph is very well written in my book.
"...wife caught me in bed...." "caught" -> "catch"
"...I didn't meant her harm." "meant" -> "mean"
"...only be charged of the original...." "of" -> "for"
"...to unite all of the Algal Solar System control...." "Algol"
(end of notes)
Overall, this is a very unique story, I'm still struggling to comprehend the whole thing. You definitely got into the mind of this Dezorian, and showed a massive tragedy unfolding as he found himself succumbing to his own desires. It is a dark story, and I could feel the sadness caused by both him and the Palmans, and how the mutual distrust might've led to this situation. Looking deeper, you can even sense how there's more stories inside, how the Palman government had saw the situation and even makes me speculate on the girl's thoughts. I'm marking this one as one of your best so far.