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Phantasy Star Cave Message Board • View topic - I need some help

I need some help

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I need some help

Postby DarkMyau » Sat Aug 09, 2014 7:48 am

Hi all

I am trying to write a fan fiction based on my Devastation war thread in the Phantasy Star section. But am actually having a lot of trouble with it. I just don't know how to start it.

So far I have written a 9 page story so far that has 2 large holes in it. And I am not sure if its good or a rambling mess. I decided the best way to write it was to break it into 6 sections.

Here is section 1:

DARKNESS IN THE STARS
by Damon “DarkMyau” Suffin

Several weeks ago they had picked up the signal.
Can anyone hear us!? I am Commander Reedav of the World ship Drasgow. We are badly damaged and need help immediately! If anyone is out there please respond!
The signal was on an emergency frequency that each world ship was attuned to. The Alissa 3 had change course immediately for the location of its damaged sister ship. It had arrived in the star system where the signal had originated from. Slowly the ship moved into the star system. Its long range scanners working at full power as it sought the starship Drasgow. Head Pilot and Councillor Ada watched the viewing screens in front of her, fully aware that this could be a trap.
She was right.
The bridge of the World Ship was a multi deck; wall of monitors and control stations. The main level in which Ada was on, had a Palman crew, but below them Wren units and various droids worked tirelessly to ensure all systems functioned. In front of her waist high control panel sat four pilots, each scanning a different sector of the star system they had just entered. Ada brushed a hand through her short brown hair as she stared at the image of the Drasgow that filled the central monitor. It hung in space with very few lights shining from its vast surface. She wondered what had caused it the damage it had clearly suffered.
A short, trim women in her thirties Ada was the youngest member of the council, only elected representative of Elysium a year ago. But she had kind eyes and a warm smile and was well liked within Elysium. She won her election quite comfortably and was popular within the council itself.
Beside her sat 6 monitors each showing a different face. The council of the Alissa 3 themselves were glancing down at their notes or looking away to give orders to people off screen. Looking at the third monitor Ada asked “Are they ready to launch?” The older looking woman, Councilwoman Jenine was head of the Alissa 3’s military along with being the Frigidia representative. She had long black hair and a cold demeanour, but Ada knew her well and understood that Jenine was just efficient. She now checked a different monitor and replied, “Everyone is aboard the shuttles, we are ready to deploy when you are ready”. Ada nodded and looked to the fifth monitor. “Master Yon? Are all your tech adepts ready yet?” An old looking dark skinned man grumbled back “With those two you can never be sure, but everyone has reported in and are at their stations.” Ada smiles slightly at Yon, he seemed to be in a hurry to be somewhere else, the representative to the council from Draconia, he was usually annoyingly formal. But few had better minds for techs than he did. Well besides those two.
“All systems scans are complete, councillor. The pilot to the far left said, not turning from his screen. No threats detected at all or engine trails leading out of system. It seems the Drasgow is alone here”.
Ada thought for a second as the six faces looked to her for her next decision. “Move us in close then deploy the shuttles. Ada looked to the far left pilot “Keep scanning the area”.
The Alissa 3 finally came to a complete stop only a short distance from its sister ship. As it stopped an uncountable number of shuttles exploded from its sides and its two “moon” ships moved off to create a perimeter around the world ships, each one racing to its designated position within the star system, looking for the smallest trace of trouble. The Alissa 3 would not be caught off guard like the Drasgow must have been. Many of the shuttles swarmed around the Drasgow, scanning the surface of the world ship and looking for signs of life and reporting all the damage they saw back to the Alissa 3, while others scanned the various planetoids and asteroids for any useful metals or minerals.
“Are we prepared for any refugees?” Ada asked the first monitor. Councillor Demetrius was the head of Parolit dome and would be responsible for any survivors the Drasgow had, assuming the world ship couldn’t be salvaged. He seemed annoyed as he answered. “We have room for two million people, but if Hyperion dome wants to help we could take quite a lot more.” The Councillor for Hyperion glared over at Demetrius “We will make room for people if need be. I’m sure each dome can take a million or more if it’s desperately needed.” An elderly looking woman with long blond hair and a ruby that sat on her brow said flatly. A strong voice interrupted “Let’s keep our minds on the task at hand here.” Ada smiled at Head Councillor Forshus. He was a kind old man with long grey hair that covered one eye. His voice was once described as soothing, but when he wanted, it boomed louder than any Ada had heard in her entire life. “Of course Head Councillor” Demetrius said. He looked away as someone off screen talked to him.
The adept to her right turned in his chair “We have a report that only one of the domes is still functioning, it’s the pilot dome” he said quickly. “Any sign of life?” Ada asked. “Unknown at this time, but it is still pressurised and looks like we can board it there. The other domes look to be dead in space.” He said looking to his own monitor. “Then, this is now a military matter, I will hand over control.” Ada said to councillor Jenine.

Here is the problem: None of the characters I have introduced here will be in any other story, they will be referenced a few times, but in truth, each one could easily be left out. So have I done a "Star Wars Ep 1" here? eg introduced a large amount of new characters that will have no impact on the story going forward?

Any advice would be great.
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