So, for this nice story, I think I've been inspired by Order of the Stick, Darths & Droids, and DM of the Rings, along with a healthy dash of the two Gamers movies that weren't totally awful. Sorry, but Gamers 3 kinda stunk.
Anyways. If you don't remember Cutruss, Rainy, or Janey, go read Phantasy Star Alternate, 'cause they're in there. Then mock me for my poor writing skills six years ago. Then read this.
Phantasy Star meets nerdistry
AW 342, the Rie household, Camineet
"o/` Nothing's ever gonna keep me down, 'cause I'm the best!" Cutruss clapped once, then continued, "Around! Nothing's ever gonna keep me dowwwwowwwowwowwwwwwnnnn....."
His sisters and friends stared at him, slackjawed, as Cutruss demonstrated his unsportsmanship from behind a cardboard gamemaster screen, dancing in place in his dining room chair. A paper crown, stolen from the local Burger Knight, was perched on his head, the letters "DM" hastily scrawled on it in a combination of magic marker and glued-on blue glitter.
"Really? Is this how you're gonna act, Cutruss?" Rainy asked. "You and your fucking gloating make this so unfun."
"Yeah, you're right. Sorry, Sis." Cutruss cleared his throat, then sang, "o/`Sollllllllllllllllllllllllle survivor, solitary fighterrrrrrrrrr. (drumming on table) I am the sollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle survivor--"
Nekishe sighed, then looked at the character sheet before him. "So much for Sir Richard Valerian, last knight of the Crying Spire, He Who Bears Silverfang," he said. "This is what I get for botching that save."
"And this is what I get for not training up Pyrokinesis," Janey added. The purple-haired woman looked at her own character sheet, then wrote "[i]Marissa la Mirah, died of psionic enervation 6/25/341[/i]" at the top. "This is for the binder when we get home."
"Seriously, I didn't even get to do anything during that fight," a blue-haired man said. "You just said 'Nope, you trigger the Runes of Death, Salmoriel bites it on the spot,' Cutruss. You could have at least let me have a save."
"It says in the book, no save for Runes of Death, Keith! You know this!" Cutruss protested.
"Hey, Cutruss! What the hell happened to Cyrithea, huh?!" Rainy called out. She moved a wisp of pink hair away from her eyes before she continued, "Undead don't take prisoners!"
"Eodred's did. But yeah, about that, the messy epilogue! XD" Cutruss adjusted the paper crown on his head so it was sitting properly, then added, "Sal's body isn't even buried because he's a filthy filthy elf--"
"Hey! Summer elves are the pride of Istorian elfdom, thank you very much!" Keith said.
"Whatever. They leave Knife-Ears to rot because Eodred hates elves, Rick gets raised as a skeletal hell knight because Eodred thinks it's funny if he became one of the many monsters he hates."
"...I suppose you'll want this character sheet now?" Nekishe asked.
"Yup! Marissa... doesn't have a head anymore, so nothing Eodred can do. Make Whole doesn't work on exploded heads. And as for Cyrithea, Eodred casts a spell or four hundred, Cyrithea is automatically converted to the Cult of Malanthus, turned into a succubus, and she's enjoying her new life as Eodred's demon queen."
"I hate you so much right now," Rainy said as she crumpled up Cyrithea's character sheet.
"So what are we gonna do about next week? We're all dead," Keith wondered.
"Thanks a lot, Bro. >_<"
Nekishe thought for a second, then said, "I could run next week. It's been a while, anyway."
"Oh, God, do you have to?!" Cutruss asked him. "I hated the last game you ran!"
"I liked it," Janey said. "It was a nice story. Sad and sweet at the same time."
"I know! Noah would have loved it. ^_^" Rainy replied. "It's been a long time since I saw him... stupid Esper business keeping us apart."
"What the hell alternate universe are you two talking about where Nekishe ran a fun game? Last time he ever ran anything, you fuckers left me to die in the Aridian Desert! >_<"
"Curtis, first off, you were being a total idiot-- as usual. Second, you really made a poor fighter. Your attack bonus was too low, and considering you were dual-wielding daggers, that's saying something," Keith told him.
"What do you mean by that!? >_<"
"Well, as soon as we all met up, you said you were 'Rhys Landen, Destroyer of Campaigns, and I have chainsaw hands! BzzZzzzzzZZzzzz--'" Janey made a motion with her arms, as if they had become chainsaw blades, then said, "You tried to stab Mieu in the face, and you spent your last act before dying by trying to put a blood curse on me."
"You blew an eighteen-inch hole through my guts, what was I gonna do?! Face death with dignity!?"
Cutruss, his sisters, and Keith started arguing, and before long, the argument had devolved into a seemingly-endless stream of blasphemy, profanities, insults, threats, suggestions, and implications that threatened the invocation of Camineet's local noise ordinances. Finally, when he could stand the tide and sea of white noise no longer, Nekishe slammed his hand against the table.
The four shut up quickly.
"That's enough, guys! I've got ideas for next week. Dawn of History, I have the book. Make a character."
"Oh, God, really? Dawn of History? I hate that game so much," Cutruss whined.
"You know, if you were actually listening to your history teacher instead of trying to draw Alisa naked in your notebook, you might actually like it!" Rainy replied.
"No guns, no steel, very low magic... why do you people like it so much?"
"Because it's an interesting period in Algo's past," Janey said. "It's the very foundation of our way of life."
"I've never played it, Nekishe, so it'll be a learning experience for me," Keith added. "I'll go download the rules when I get back to Parolit."
"You'll like it, Keith. It's rules-light."
Cutruss made a deep, prolonged, pained groan. "And it's rules-light?! Ugh, you don't want me to have any fun, do you?"
"It's easy for me to run, and besides, there's someone I wanted to invite to join us."
"Oh, a newbie? Cool! XD" Rainy said. "Do we know him?"
"Who says it's a him? It could be a woman, Sis."
"Dammit, no, Nekishe! Bad Nekishe! I know who he's talking about! He wants to invite Alisa!" Cutruss said. "No girlfriends attend games, man!"
"What the hell's wrong with you, Cutruss? You actually like Alisa," Nekishe said.
"Yeah, as a friend and occasional whack-off fantasy! But as a player... no! You don't bring your girlfriend to a game, Nekishe, even if she's Alisa Landale!"
"Wait, the Alisa Landale?" Keith asked, surprised. "Your girlfriend's Alisa Landale?!"
"Yeah, we started dating last year, after she killed LaShiec. Why?"
"Nekishe, you have to invite her to game with us."
"Oh, God, no! Not you too, Keith! All Alisa's got going for her is that she can handle a sword really well and she fills her bra nicely 'cause she's really hot and she can prove that one person can make a difference when push comes to shove! But she's not us material!" Cutruss said.
"I don't mind seeing Alisa more often," Janey said. "She's got my vote."
"Mine too! Hopefully she can bring Noah with her. ^_^"
Cutruss facepalmed and sank into his chair. "You guys all suck. You know that, right?" he asked, mostly himself.
"So I guess it's settled. See you guys next week!"
Burger Knight, later that day
"You want me to do what, exactly, Neks?"
The beautiful brown-haired woman took a sip from a paper cup filled with root beer; Nekishe blushed slightly as he noticed a small crescent of red lipstick on the cup's rim. He had explained the concept of gaming to Alisa, but he wasn't sure he was able to properly express it.
"Well... it's like those games on your Master System, Alisa. Except you can do pretty much whatever you want."
"Really?" Alisa asked. "And I get a party?"
"Just one character, but you can make her pretty much however you want. Within reason, of course," Nekishe said. He took a bite from his burger.
"Of course. If someone's too powerful, they're just gonna hog the spotlight, right? That's never fun." Alisa popped an onion ring into her mouth, then asked once she swallowed it, "So who else is coming?"
"Well, Suelo's kids-- you know them. So, sorry, you have to put up with Cutruss."
"Rainy and Janey'll be there, too, Alisa, so you can tag-team him if he starts perving on you again."
"Okay, 'when.' And there's a guy named Keith. He's from Parolit. He works at the spaceport with me," Nekishe added.
"Really? So I guess I'm in good company then!" Alisa smiled sweetly at Nekishe. "There anything I'm gonna need?"
"Some dice, and a character sheet, but we've got plenty of all that. Alisa..." Nekishe took Alisa's hands into his. "We'll take good care of you. I promise."
"You really mean that, Nekishe?" Alisa asked. She traced a line on Nekishe's hands with her thumbs as she asked.
"I swear on the life of Nero Landale," Nekishe replied.
Alisa smiled, then leaned across the table, kissing Nekishe on the lips. When she pulled away, she was still smiling, and Nekishe thought he could see a single tear starting to pour from Alisa's eyes. "I accept," she said. "Thank you, Nekishe."
Next Chapter: Character Creation, or Cutruss Rie Shows Alisa Landale How to Die (Again)