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PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:37 am
by Tanith
Hey! I finally started a new story. I decided I've put off novelizing Phantasy Star II for too long. I hesitated posting this until I had more of the story completed, but meh, might as well post what I have. I'm already halfway through the first chapter, anyway, so there's more to come very soon.

Phantasy Star II: A Novelization

I'm already unhappy with the second part of the prologue, so expect some changes.

To the people I owe proofreading: I haven't forgotten about you, I swear. This weekend! This weekend is the weekend of proofreading!

Edited: Prologue updated. Ah, much better! Less telling, more showing. *nods approvingly*

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 1:53 pm
by carlsojos
I know I'm REALLY jumping the gun here, but I just did a quick analysis of the prologue of Phantasy Star II: A Novelization, as it sits. 0 grammar errors detected, 1 minor argument I noticed:
...Nei's animal instincts were simply that fine-tuned. "fine-tuned" is likely correct, but "finely-tuned" would play the wording a little more efficiently.

I've detected no overt weaknesses in your start, and I'll hide my deeper thoughts until you've completed the initial draft, to prevent accidental changes to your thoughts and plot. Looking forward to more!

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 2:23 pm
by Tanith
Jumping the gun? Hey, if you want to comment about things that need improving/correcting, by all means, run! I appreciate the help and feedback.

Thank you for bringing that sentence to my attention. Finely tuned sounds loads better (Ick, what was I thinking? Fine-tuned? Pick up a dictionary, Tanith!), but I ended up changing the wording to "...Nei's animal instincts were simply that sharp." Coincidentally, I wanted a single adjective in that spot, anyway, and for whatever reason my brain couldn't come up with "sharp" the other day. Go figure!

The editing gave me a chance to take out that bit of dialogue where Nei says, "I've only been here seven months," or something like that. Its placement in the conversation was awkward, to say the least. It would help if I conversed with real people once in a while. You know, to understand how conversations actually work. *headsmack*

I don't think you'll affect the plot too much with any thoughts, since I'll be following the story line of the game closely. I'll only change things when "game magic" just won't cut it. ;) However, I'll look forward to your deeper thoughts whenever you feel like sharing!

I'm working on chapter 1 right now.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 2:55 pm
by carlsojos
Tanith wrote:Hey, if you want to comment about things that need improving/correcting, by all means, run!

I don't think you'll affect the plot too much with any thoughts....

It's quite simply that the story's young enough that the voice is still malleable to outside influences. Once you've got the entire assembly in dry fitment, I won't have to worry about imposing my voice, since the underlying lines won't be bent by my thoughts. I will continue to monitor for basic errors as you release the material.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:39 pm
by Wing-0
I is liking to this. Me wants to read moar.

Yes. I wrote it like that on purpose.

But why

I'd rather pester BenitoRen instead...

PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 9:21 pm
by Tanith
WING-0 wrote:I'd rather pester BenitoRen instead...

Muaha. :D The thing is, I'm always tweaking my stories. I can't leave them alone. *sigh*

It might be a bad sign that the freaking FIRST CHAPTER of my story nearly killed me. *exhausted* I had no idea how hard it would be to write about Rolf meeting with the commander and then letting Nei come along for the ride. LAWZY MERCY, I am so relieved to get this chapter done.

Chapter 1

Read. Comment.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 10:19 pm
by carlsojos
Just read Chapter 1 of Phantasy Star II: A Novelization. Yeah, it's always difficult to get started after you have a direction to go. I personally have 6 stories sitting in my folder, suspended, idle, or aborted for various reasons, because it's so easy to criticize oneself. Anyway, I spotted 1 error and 1 minor thought in this chapter:
"...ears, blood-red eyes and lithe...." While this is correct, I suggest the term "irises" instead of "eyes", simply to differentiate from the entire eye being red, like a Motavian's.

"...and hit the wall censor to open...." censor is definitely incorrect- sensor is the closest match. I also suggest wording the sentence more like this: "...and hit a [biometric scanner/sensor] on the wall to open...." Simply to differentiate from other sensors that may be present in the area, such as infrared, sonar, and photovoltaic sensors that would control HVAC, security, and lighting, given the state of technology in this setting.

Yeah, I can tell this chapter nearly killed you, based on the flavor I was tasting when I was analyzing it. My tip for you: Do NOT be afraid to invoke the KISS principle when you must, since you can always rewrite and elaborate later. There's nothing wrong with a B+ on an in-progress work.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 10:37 pm
by Tanith
Errors duly noted, and yeah, sheesh, if I can't tell the difference between sensor and censor, I need to take a break for a couple of days. *dies* I understand what you're saying about differentiating between biometric sensors and other various sensors, but for now I'm going to hold off on going into detail over their description, because "sensor" is sort of a placeholder until I can come up with better terminology.

Irises over eyes is a great suggestion in that particular case, and I changed it. Thank you. :)

What kind of flavor did it have, if you don't mind me asking? Good? Bad?

PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 10:57 pm
by carlsojos
Tanith wrote:What kind of flavor did it have, if you don't mind me asking?

The general flavor is that of a story that shows promise. Plenty of meat and backstory virtually guarantees that more will come in the future, while there is the spice of emotion to keep things interesting. It's too early to measure whether there's too much, but there doesn't seem to be any bitter cliches that I can taste at this point. Too early to determine the quality of the action, or if your surprises are surprising. You didn't skimp on the garnish, and I can tell you are adding your own recipe to the relatively vague script of the game. You don't seem afraid of being a little unorthodox, and that's very important in my book. My only thought is that normally the stops don't come out until 1/4 to 1/3 of the story has passed, to slowly introduce the character of the particular dish. Instead, you set the bar quite high at the start, and you're daring yourself to scale it, despite the exertion required just to set it up. I'm hungry for more, but I do urge you to remember KISS to prevent draining yourself, and to rest if you already are, so you don't burn up in your own kitchen.

...Damn it, now I really am hungry. :x

PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 11:20 pm
by Tanith
Thank you for your detailed thoughts! (The food metaphors gave me a good laugh, too. :D) Wow, that was more than I was hoping for! Exposition chapters always nearly kill me, so I don't think I'll be extenuating myself too much once I get into the meat of the adventure. Of course, I say this now, but then I'll be back here bellyaching about how difficult it is for me to write action sequences. It never ends. I am going to wait a few days before continuing with more story writing, though. Actually, now it's time to switch gears and do more novel writing.

I have another question for everyone out there:

Should I add notes whenever I use names, places, etc. from sources other than the game and my own original ideas? For example, O'Conner is taken from Eusis's text game, as is the idea that the commander had chosen Eusis/Rolf as his eventual successor. Do you (general you) want footnotes for these kinds of out-of-game, yet still Sega references?

PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 11:38 pm
by carlsojos
Tanith wrote:...(The food metaphors gave me a good laugh, too. :D)...Should I add notes whenever I use names, places, etc. from sources other than the game and my own original ideas?....

You may be laughing, but I just warmed up some leftovers to eat. Anyway, I'm in favor of using an author's note to indicate that you're using these auxillary sources, and to detail how you used them there, but beyond that, there's no reason to halt the story to explain where you came from, since this isn't an academic paper. Anyone else have something to think?

PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 12:42 am
by BenoitRen
I'm in favour of such footnotes. :)

PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 2:35 am
by Tanith
Footnote added to chapter 1. :)

I also have a (probably obvious) Easter egg in chapter 1 and will add more throughout the story.

PostPosted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 11:45 pm
by Tanith
Oof. Another painful chapter, but I'm pleased with it. I messed around with first person narration for a change.

Chapter 2

PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2011 12:33 am
by carlsojos
Tanith wrote:I messed around with first person narration for a change.

I personally tend to default to first person, because a character's limited perspective serves to regulate the level of detail when telling a story, when I don't know what happens next. Anyway, I just read Chapter 2. I found 1 error, 1 minor argument.

"...there didn't seem to be and end to her accelerated aging." "and" should be "an".

Clay is a natural ceramic, and will not melt under any natural conditions or circumstances. Are you actually referring to plastic?

Darum's mind seems frantic and stressed, based on the flavor of your writing (I think this was your goal this time). A lack of direct interjections by outside data flows diminishes my ability to gauge time during that portion, but this portion of the chapter earns a mark of "unique." I like unique.

Overall, I like how you modified the background story from the games here, and how you managed to tie both sides of the chapter together without relying on a wimpy cliche or leaving me hanging off a sheer cliff (I think Black Sword's afraid of me right now).