Shameless Plug for Fanfics

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Postby Tanith » Sun Jan 30, 2011 12:49 am

I'm not really a fan of first person, usually, since I tend to write adventure fiction with many characters, so I like being able to switch perspectives when necessary.

Thanks for the proofreading. I made the correction, and I was actually trying to avoid the word plastic since it stands to reason that parts of the mecha are likely to be plastic. Of course, then I fail at finding an alternate term, hehe. I changed it to resin. Which yes, could be short for polyresin, etc, but it's separate enough from the word plastic. In any event, thanks for the tip. :) I appreciate your feedback very much!

And yay, I can catch up with other fanfic reading now. Not getting this chapter done in a more timely manner was weighing on me heavily.

Oh, and I almost forgot: The Darum portion didn't really have a specific length of time associated with it. I thought about it, but I didn't think it was necessary to put time tags on that section. It's all happening from Darum's deranged perspective. I doubt he really knows how long the scene took, either.
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Postby carlsojos » Sun Jan 30, 2011 1:04 am

Tanith wrote:I changed it to resin.


I think most resins burn before they melt, but I'm quite likely mistaken this time. It's a good choice, since there are a large variety of resins that are used as matrices for composite parts (A common project is to make a car hood with epoxy and fiberglass, although Kevlar and a heat-cured resin would be a good choice for security-type robots... If this mixture is used, there will be a large amount of a thread-like substance in the rubble after the fire is extinguished).

Also, the 'bots could use metal plating of an alloy that isn't heat resistant (presumably to facilitate easier repairs), and Darum is mistaken in considering it plastic. He isn't a trained engineer, after all.
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Postby Tanith » Sun Jan 30, 2011 1:18 am

Well, resin is used as lacquer and I know that it doesn't turn to gas when heated, so that's what I was looking for. Something that would just get gloopy rather quickly. The reason I was avoiding the word plastic was because I thought it would be common knowledge among the general populace that robots had plastic parts. Since I'm really bad at explaining things, I will make an example from our perspective:

Me: Oh my GOD!! That car is on fire! Look at the back end! It's melting! What is the bumper made of, anyway? Plastic?

I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure most people know that cars from the last 30 years or so have plastic bumpers. So it would be a "no shit, Sherlock" moment if I made that kind of observation. I was trying to make Darum exaggerate, but now I'm not sure resin is really a better choice. Meh. I'll think of something.
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Postby carlsojos » Sun Jan 30, 2011 1:32 am

Tanith wrote:What is the bumper made of, anyway? Plastic?[/i]

I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure most people know that cars from the last 30 years or so have plastic bumpers. So it would be a "no shit, Sherlock" moment if I made that kind of observation. I was trying to make Darum exaggerate, but now I'm not sure resin is really a better choice. Meh. I'll think of something.


I'm not most people, one of the things I went to school for involves knowing the properties of most common types of materials for designing mechanical objects. The biggest difference between melting metal and melting plastic is that thermoplastic-type plastics normally would combust at about the same time as it melts in an uncontrolled environment (resulting in visuals similar to a puddle of gasoline running downhill), while most non-exotic metals won't (Magnesium is a notable exception). Darum likely wouldn't make this distinction in his state of mind, since he's a bit preoccupied at that point. I stand by keeping "resin", because it's quite believable that a security robot would utilize composite paneling to prevent damage by petty criminals without adding a ton of weight. It would also provide a few details for your deck of cards in the future, if Rolf decides to inspect the wreckage at a later date.

EDIT: If you think Darum is really exaggerating, try "ice". That would likely fit the bill for what you want, without you getting a lesson in materials science.
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Postby Tanith » Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:00 am

WAX!!

Whew, my slow mind. That's what I was looking for. Wax. Darum is in no way trying to be accurate about the bots' composition. He's just exaggerating the fact that the bots seem to melt too easily from his foi technique.
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Postby augmentedfourth » Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:17 am

I am staying the hell away from any scientific discussions.

I like how you're playing up the sibling-esque relationship between Rolf and Nei, especially with Rolf's techniques for getting Nei to do what he wants. I also found it interesting how the commander had no objection to Nei accompanying Rolf back to the Central Tower since the game plays up her "outcast" role.

The use of the first-person point-of-view for Darum was well-written, and I only have one possible concern for that section: If you eventually want to play up Darum as being a sympathetic character due to the whole Tiem situation, I don't know if that comes through strong enough here (I may have mentioned her earlier and throughout his narrative, especially if his plans to get her back are becoming an obsession). If you just want to make him a violent jerk (which is perfectly valid, considering how he treated our beloved Nei), I think it's fine. Either one works!
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Postby Tanith » Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:18 am

No intentions to make Darum out to be a sympathetic character, nosireebob. ;) In addition to the line in the game about Darum trying to kill Nei previously, Nei's text adventure really portrays Darum as an uneducated thug. He has almost a crazed desire to kill Nei, pursuing her twice (I think) in her text game. I picture him as mentally unstable, so that was my angle in that first part of the story. I suppose being clinically insane could garner sympathy, as could being a "victim" of the system, but in Darum's case, he's just a hotheaded thug whose daughter was kidnapped.

About the commander and Nei: I figure since you're allowed to take the entire party into Central Tower, the commander is hunky-dory with Nei being around. That's why I kind of hinted at the commander knowing about the prior incident with Nei and Darum. Most of the main characters of the story I generally hold above the rest of society. They see the problems with the system; that's why they're adventuring with Rolf, and the commander is included in that group. His opinion of Nei does not match that of Joe Mota. ;)
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Postby carlsojos » Sun Jan 30, 2011 1:48 pm

Tanith wrote:...Nei's text adventure really portrays Darum as an uneducated thug. He has almost a crazed desire to kill Nei, pursuing her twice (I think) in her text game.

I played Nei's Adventure pretty recently. A scientist had hired Darum to kill Nei a while before the game, resulting in the death of her adoptive parents. Darum chases Nei at one point during the game, later kills the scientist who hired him, and despite no payment since he killed his employer, fights Nei to the point where she collapses before Rolf comes to her aid.

It took me a long time to finish that game, but I think Darum's psychological profile may similar to a latent delusional disorder, that was triggered by traumatic stress from the kidnapping of Tiem. Essentially, he used to be sane, he ain't anymore, and he likely won't ever be again regardless of happens, if my hypothesis is correct. This would line up with how he's been portrayed in the story so far.
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Postby Tanith » Mon Jan 31, 2011 3:43 am

Ah, good. I didn't remember her text game incorrectly. I really should have taken notes. Or more screen shots, anyway. When I used the line, "I was doing her a favor," I was referencing his original pursuit of her. I'm sure he felt very justified in killing Nei, beyond whatever bounty he would receive from her death, that she was a scientific experiment gone wrong (which is true) and wasn't meant to survive beyond the labs. That's mainly due to him being hired by the evil scientist, and his probable reasoning that even burning down her adoptive parents' home had just cause: They were criminals (in his mind) for housing her. It's a really awful, sad story with a better ending, but it just goes to show how kicked around Nei was by this guy. Darum is a shitbag.
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Re: Shameless Plug for Fanfics

Postby Tanith » Tue Feb 22, 2011 4:02 pm

I feel kind of weird posting my latest fic, but here it is, anyway:

Deep Trouble

Rolf, battle weary from a year filled with tragedy, travels through Crevice with his team in search of a legend.

(I'm pretty sure I'm going to rewrite the battle scene in this one.)
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Re: Shameless Plug for Fanfics

Postby carlsojos » Tue Feb 22, 2011 5:38 pm

Just read Deep Trouble. No errors, arguments detected.
The battle scene, from what I garner, is supposed to demonstrate how much the group's grown together over the game. Sure, you could improve the flow or technique of the combat, but I think it'll be hard to get the purpose across any better.

In reference to your feeling weird, I decided to take another look at the story, to analyze impressions and try to determine the cause (I'm too curious for my own good). It seems a bit darker than your norm, and I can't help but wonder if there's a cross-feed between you and Rolf in the story; flow in either direction would likely raise a flag in your mind. The slice's size in relation to the game seems a bit small, but is about your normal size. I suspect that this may partially be due to you feeling a bit overburdened (reference your statement halting the novelization work). The group seems quite well-behaved here, and while this is to be expected at this stage, I can see that this could generate a little stress on your end since conflict is considered a primary story-making feature. I won't attempt to extrapolate any deeper meaning due the fact that I can be dead wrong with my assumptions. Also, your author's note kinda shows your hand, leading me to suspect that while you claimed to have (at least temporarily) abandoned your novelization, it hasn't abandoned you, yet. This is probably the biggest reason why you feel weird with this post.

Overall, the weird feeling you have is primarily internalized, and the readers shouldn't pick up on it, unless they are explicitly looking for it- a good story will usually present itself as such, this one included. When I get a feeling about a story, I often find it useful to ask myself the question, "Would I like it if my hard drive died and took the story with it?" I've only marked 3 of 19 stories (I'm including in-progress and completed works here) as unreleasable when I ask that question.
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Re: Shameless Plug for Fanfics

Postby Tanith » Tue Feb 22, 2011 6:06 pm

carlsojos wrote:...The group seems quite well-behaved here, and while this is to be expected at this stage, I can see that this could generate a little stress on your end since conflict is considered a primary story-making feature...

Yes, this was my issue. Well, not so much their behavior towards each other, but that the battle presented them with no difficulties. I wasn't sure if I was painting the right atmosphere by there not being more "trouble" for them in Crevice; if I should show they're tired, the beasts are unrelenting, and so on, but now I'm leaning towards leaving it the way it is. There's something to be said about them being so used to trouble that it's no longer alarming the way it is with less battle-hardened individuals.

As to the guilt over the stall in my novelization, I'm kind of over that now and should probably take down the comment. I'll work on it when I feel moved to do so, rather than force myself to write something; I mean, fanfic certainly shouldn't feel like a chore! I haven't abandoned the story, either. I just need to be in the right mood. My brain is incredibly disorganized and story ideas come to me at random, like this one. I think I was forcing myself to think in quite linear terms and felt guilty skipping ahead and writing this story, when it might eventually become a part of the novelization.

First attempt at writing first-person, too! I really don't care for first-person, but something spoke to me here, and called me to do this from Rolf's perspective. Hopefully it feels like Rolf.
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Re: Shameless Plug for Fanfics

Postby carlsojos » Tue Feb 22, 2011 6:40 pm

Indeed, you beat a dog enough, the meaning of pain erodes away (at this point, the dog will fight back without regard for making things worse). I don't really know Rolf terribly well (I still struggle with froggies killing my party in PSII), but the mindset feels like that of a person who's seen the worst of the world, but continues to march onward because of the people behind him; I think that this would match Rolf's state of mind at that point.

The ability to use different perspectives is regarded as a mark of a good writer; I'd say you pulled a pretty good job of it if it is indeed your first time being a character of the story like that.
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Re: Shameless Plug for Fanfics

Postby Tanith » Sat Mar 19, 2011 3:33 am

Wow, I haven't posted a new story in nearly a month. I now have my first completed PSIII story. I have several PSIII stories in various stages of being unfinished, so this is something of a relief to have one ready for posting. I'll be writing several more stories following this one that focus on Lena and Lyle as the other half of the young men and women caught up in Rhys's adventure. They will be a collection of separate-but-related short stories, and I'll be adding them to this story eventually on ff.net.

Pivot Point - Every teenager goes through heartbreak. Unfortunately for Princess Lena, her torment is everyone's business, and she finds that a ball is no picnic, either. Help comes from an unlikely source, and Lena learns her first lesson in expecting the unexpected.
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Re: Shameless Plug for Fanfics

Postby BenoitRen » Sun Mar 20, 2011 12:10 am

I like how you wrote Lena as a passionate woman. It feels very appropriate to her character. This story is a sharp contrast with her actions in the game, though, so it makes me wonder how everything fits from your point of view. But that's probably for another story.

Oh, and the duke seems like a cool person. :)
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